Dec 5th, 2015 : Journal – Part B

In regard to Christian*,

Sometimes I’m OK, sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m apathetic, sometimes I’m overcome with emotion. Sometimes I’m in control, sometimes I’ve lost it. Sometimes I feel I can save him, sometimes I know I can’t.

My mind wanders…I’m curious about what he’s thinking. Feeling. How could someone be so sick or so broken to take anyone/everyone “down” with them. Does he think of me when he has sex with them? Does he think of me when he tells them he loves them and holds them through the night?

I may have been the Queen, but I was still only a piece in the game. One of the hardest parts of this, is that I will never know if he actually was/is aware of what he is doing. Is he that naive? Does he even want to be a good person? Does he know how? Is it an impulse problem? Or is he aware of the hurt and destruction he causes, only to revel in the glory of his mastery in the game…?

But I must ask, while my mind contemplates where HE is at, what am I seeking that leaves me so vulnerable to his charm?

I don’t NEED you by my side in bed anymore. I don’t NEED to rely on your affection and attention. So what then, does my soul NEED?

Once I know the answer to that, I already know I need to be the one to fulfill my own needs – but until then I will have to search to find the vortex of this void.

 

*Name has been changed

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