I just feel like we are on two different planets. In my world, I am attempting to challenge myself with new things while maintaining my academic performance. I’m learning to manage people, overcome my weaknesses, assess others motivations and skills, and do my best to serve a greater cause.
Then we get on the phone and I’m the one trying to find questions to ask you about your day.
Food, ears, court.
Sometimes I wish you would ask me about what I’m doing, and how I am handling all these new responsibilities. Sometimes I wish you were genuinely curious about how my mind works, and would give me support and feedback. Instead I feel your questions are often motivated by a different agenda: appeasing your insecurities and looking for faults.
But sometimes… I’m glad you don’t bother asking, because I know I wouldn’t like your reaction anyways. So, it’ll just have to stick to me struggling to find ways to connect.
Food, ears, court.
Just two completely different worlds.
She woke up at night. Wouldn’t let me touch her. Hold her. Put her arm out to block me – keep trying to hold her close.
In regard to Christian*,
Sometimes I’m OK, sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m apathetic, sometimes I’m overcome with emotion. Sometimes I’m in control, sometimes I’ve lost it. Sometimes I feel I can save him, sometimes I know I can’t.
My mind wanders…I’m curious about what he’s thinking. Feeling. How could someone be so sick or so broken to take anyone/everyone “down” with them. Does he think of me when he has sex with them? Does he think of me when he tells them he loves them and holds them through the night?
I may have been the Queen, but I was still only a piece in the game. One of the hardest parts of this, is that I will never know if he actually was/is aware of what he is doing. Is he that naive? Does he even want to be a good person? Does he know how? Is it an impulse problem? Or is he aware of the hurt and destruction he causes, only to revel in the glory of his mastery in the game…?
But I must ask, while my mind contemplates where HE is at, what am I seeking that leaves me so vulnerable to his charm?
I don’t NEED you by my side in bed anymore. I don’t NEED to rely on your affection and attention. So what then, does my soul NEED?
Once I know the answer to that, I already know I need to be the one to fulfill my own needs – but until then I will have to search to find the vortex of this void.
*Name has been changed
I have multiple planes of thought. It is impossible for me to express even a quarter of what I experience… I am brilliant (at least I would like to think so), but I have some type of memory issue that no one (including myself) has been able to diagnose.
This blog is intended to accomplish two things. First and foremost, I need written documentation of my thoughts, ideas, and ramblings. I currently have about 7 or 8 different venues of expression. For example, I utilize a traditional journal, my phone for voice memos and notes, random articles of paper, moments of confidence in close relationships, my planner, my whiteboard, and other avenues that are available. It’s hard to keep up with, and I would like to begin to compile them. I have never reread/listened to/asked about these “expressions”, so this will be an enlightening but bizarre experience for me. Why not just start a word document you may ask? Well, that brings me to my second purpose. I hope that people are willing to read, comment, and provide advice/perspective on what I post. The ultimate goal being that I find some clarity or understanding. Perhaps there are patterns?
Life is hard for me and I am only beginning to understand that perhaps the way I experience the world isn’t “typical”. Please join me in my journey of self exploration and understanding.