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A Few More Lines – taken and written

A few more lines taken, and now a few more written?

“I’ve got flower and powder. Both are fire”, he says.

“O.K, I’ll take the latter. I have a bill for you”.

And that was that. He showed up, we sat on my porch. He smoked a blunt while I rocked in my chair. This is the second time I’ve seen him, after meeting my new “him”. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if he knows. He tries a few of his manipulative lines.

“So, I bet you two will have fun tonight” he probes, trying to get confirmation of my solidarity or guilt. Who knows.

He looks so much different now. Both to the human eye, but more importantly through my eyes. He’s lost so much weight as a vegetarian . Always maintaining his sculptured build that he was blessed with, but he must be less than 140 pounds now. He’s grown out his thick black hair, and let his beard take over, what I know to be a baby face, underneath. He’s always well dressed in his Miami inspired attire, but he has white beaters on. No limited addition, stand in line for 3 hours, prestine “kicks”.

He spends time looking down at his phone, and I stare at him. There will always be that faint attraction. The nostalgia of when we were partners in crime. Living a crazy life of making money, exploring and critiquing every restaurant and bar, then coming home to indulge in other things. Painful, but pleasureful things. Most of which I don’t remember. . .

He looks up, and I’m already back to rocking in my chair.

 

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Assortment of Poetry

I went digging in my attic today specifically looking for all my old diaries and journals. I found two huge boxes filled with pieces of my past. I’ll admit, it bothers me that I can’t remember any of it. The pictures, the names, the memories, the art…none of it. The following is a collection of what I believe to be poetry that I wrote between the ages of 10 and 16. Also – as with all my posts, I do not edit anything. I replicate exactly how I wrote it so many years ago.


Let’s get this over with,
kiss my ass,
we’re through,
all I am to you,
is toxic gas,
slowly killing you,
painfully.

IM FUCKING CRAZY!!

Pointless are the days,
where I was innocent,
I’m a slut now,
at least I feel I am.

You love me…
I still wonder how.

IM FUCKING CRAZY!!

No one can handle me,
they’ve all tried,
I’ve seen them stumble.

Get up!
Last one died.

Don’t let it happen to you,
please, I beg…
I care enough for you

IM FUCKING CRAZY!!

Leave me here,
so I can watch,
men come and go,
to and fro.

Hiding from the fear – your voice so near…
My heart.

DAMMIT!!!!!!
IM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!!!


Tears are shed,
from what was said,
as the minutes filled with sorrow

You held me tight,
that special night,
and told me of the ‘morrow

It was good-bye,
for he and I,
I knew he had to go

He moved away,
and still today,
Oh, I love him so


I married myself today

alone
alone
alone

to wake up with myself each morning,
to know I am always here,
I am friend and foe to my own existence,
to be rid of myself,
would be to divorce


Push me out of my nest, my dear
I must struggle, and fly on my own
these chains are holding me so tightly, my dear
I must dance and twirl alone

You say you want the best for me
And I know that must be true
Thank you for everything you’ve done for me
Yes, I love you too

 

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January 27th, 2015

I just feel like we are on two different planets. In my world, I am attempting to challenge myself with new things while maintaining my academic performance. I’m learning to manage people, overcome my weaknesses, assess others motivations and skills, and do my best to serve a greater cause.

Then we get on the phone and I’m the one trying to find questions to ask you about your day.

Food, ears, court.

Sometimes I wish you would ask me about what I’m doing, and how I am handling all these new responsibilities. Sometimes I wish you were genuinely curious about how my mind works, and would give me support and feedback. Instead I feel your questions are often motivated by a different agenda: appeasing your insecurities and looking for faults.

But sometimes… I’m glad you don’t bother asking, because I know I wouldn’t like your reaction anyways. So, it’ll just have to stick to me struggling to find ways to connect.

Food, ears, court.

Just two completely different worlds.